If you would have asked younger version of me whether I loved myself, I likely would have brushed it off with a simple “of course I love myself.” But the truth is, until recently I didn’t know what loving myself meant or felt like. Not knowing how to love myself or why it mattered may seem tragic, but the reality is that this is true for many people…I am far from alone in this experience.
My whole life I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression. One of my well-intentioned doctors put me on an SSRI to help me cope, and things seemed to get better. I could not feel the anxiety and depression as deeply or acutely. I concluded that this must be what “happy” feels like. I stayed on some form of SSRI or SNRI for the next fifteen years.
In 2022 I was diagnosed with colon cancer. Around the same time, I came to realize that the SNRI I was taking wasn’t working anymore. I was on the edge of a full-on depressive state and barely functional. Though the diagnosis was part of it, the truth is that years of not loving myself had manifested into overwhelming depression that I did not have the tools to deal with. In fact, the cancer just brought me to terms with the fact that I was not okay and something drastic in my life had to change.
I learned that the cancer was very big considering the type of cancer it was and must have been in my body for several years to get to that size. It seemed strange for someone as young as me to have it, particularly because testing showed that I don’t have a genetic predisposition and this cancer typically shows up in people 60 years of age or older. In August of 2022 I proceeded to have surgery to remove the cancer – today I am considered cured.
In November of 2022, I attended a conference where I heard the CEO of Beckley Retreats, Neil Markey, talk about how psilocybin had helped him and many other veterans work through depression and PTSD – and a lightbulb went on. I thought that if psychedelics were able to help veterans who had lived through extremely stressful and traumatic circumstances, maybe they could help me too.
I scheduled to go on retreat in Jamaica with Beckley Retreats in April of 2023. I participated in four weeks of preparation, which included readings, meditation, and online group sessions. During that time, I also changed my eating and alcohol consumption habits. At the retreat I took part in yoga, nature walks, breathwork, and two psilocybin ceremonies. Following the retreat, I participated in Beckley’s integration program, which facilitated my ability to take what I learned on retreat and make it part of my everyday life. I started studying energy and began to make the connections between my physical health and my mental health. I now understand that the cancer was more than just bad luck…it was the result of holding on to negative emotions, like resentment and anger, which are often symptomatic of and coincide with anxiety and depression. Making the decision to go to on retreat was one of the best decisions I ever made. It’s where found the entrance to the path of self-love.
I still reflect daily on the teachings from the five-day retreat. I have bad days – there is no shortcut to undoing years of programming. Yet I know that, over time, I am rewiring my brain to allow me to live in gratitude and love…even when parts of me gravitate towards negative thinking patterns.
I’ve made a conscious decision to continue my healing journey with meditation and breathwork, and by interrupting the cycles of my old stories through work with all parts of myself. And I love myself! Anyone can make the choice to do the same.
I’ve made a commitment to take what I’ve learned and share it with those who are open to it, as it may help them on their own healing journey. For anyone that reads this and everyone that doesn’t – be well, know that you are held with love by the universe, and know that you deserve to love yourself. It’s the greatest gift.
Author: Jamie Ware
Jamie is certified in earth-based healing practices. She is also trained in an ancient form of two-stage pranayama breathwork and facilitates one-on-one and group breathwork sessions. Jamie’s next group breathwork session is being held January 20th at Amrita Yoga and Wellness in Philadelphia. You can sign up here.
She can be reached at jamie@withinhealing.net.